Emo Grass (May 10 2007)
Emo Grass (Poaceae miserablus), much like normal grass, is a type of plant often seldom used to cover lawns for purposes of dust control, padding, or just plain arrogance. Unlike most of its grassy counterparts, Emo Grass is dark gray to light black and cuts itself. Creation Emo Grass was created in 1999 by Dr. Audric von Emostein (pronounced: AHM-o-STEEN). He wished to create a lawn plant that would cut itself, thus freeing millions of children from hours of underpaid drudgery. He did so in a manner that can best be described in a stream-of-consciousness format: Von Emostein sits in his lab, brainstorming in a pose of questionable legality. He sees a PETA protester holding a sign that states "Cows are people too." He thinks: Wait, wait! If cows are people, and humans eat cows, then, logically, grass is/are people, because cows eat grass. Since people can be emo, if grass is/are people, then grass can be emo. If emo people cut themselves, and grass is/are people, then emo grass should cut itself... Professor Von Emostein realized that, despite the inherent stupidity of the idea, that it just might work. Using various ineffable methods, he created a strain of grass that was, chemically speaking, identical to normal grass, with the important difference that the chlorophyll in Emo Grass is, instead of green like standard chlorophyll, black or very dark gray. Since being or wearing all black is a condition of being emo, and self-cutting is a side effect of being emo, Von Emostein found that this newly created black grass cut itself at a distance of 2 to 3 inches. Thrilled, Von Emostein immediately took out several high-interest loans and began to market Emo Grass under the (rather unimaginative) trade name "Emograss". Emograss never managed to achieve the commercial success Von Emostein had hoped for, for two major reasons. First, while Emo Grass does cut itself, being many individual plants with no communications capabilities, it does not do so in an attractive, even fashion. Second, when Emo Grass is ingested, several unpleasant side effects occur in the ingester. These are described below. Oddly, the blatant unattractiveness of a lawn of Emograss never seemed to be an issue to those few who bought it. Dangers of Ingestion Whether Emo Grass is ingested or it is burnt and its fumes inhaled, the resulting effects are generally about the same. This is considered to be the Most Amazing Coincidence in the creation of Emo Grass. Some, though not all, of the effects of Emo Grass ingestion are listed below. A formal study of Emo Grass effects has never been done, however, so some information may be inaccurate, unreliable, or, indeed, completely made up. Physical Effects *'Pronounced Lightening of the Skin' After repeated doses of Emo Grass, the skin of the ingester becomes noticeably paler. Preliminary studies have shown that this may be caused by the migration of melanin to the soul. *'Pronounced Blackening of the Soul' With just one dose of Emo Grass, an ingester's soul becomes almost entirely black. Observations have indicated that melanin from all parts of the body, excluding the hair, migrates to the soul to cause this phenomenon. *'Parasitic Hair' Several doses of Emo Grass can cause a victim's hair to become parasitic and grow towards the eyes. Once it has reached and entirely covered an eye, it will begin to eat away at it, leaving a socket filled with hair. Once the first eye has been consumed, the hair may begin to advance on the other eye. Psychoemotional Effects *'Tendency towards black clothing' Ingesters of Emo Grass often shift their wardrobes to include clothes of an entirely black nature. When questioned on this, they often become defensive and mutter something about "individuality". A sub-effect of this effect is the tendency for male victims to wear extremely tight pants, disregarding any effect this may have on future reproductive plans. *'Cutting' Victims of Emo Grass ingestion often show a compulsion to cut themselves, much like the grass they have ingested. This is usually manifested on the wrists, and is usually hidden by arm warmers. *'Tendency towards awful poetry' Repeated ingestion of Emo Grass can compel a victim to write poetry. This poetry can only be described as awful. Major themes include, but are not limited to: pain, suicide, death, and black. It is very dangerous to the reader and should be avoided at most, if not all, costs. See Also *Emo *Grass